i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
