sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
