Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
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Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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