I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
