i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
