the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
