she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
