Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
