His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
