the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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