You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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