well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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