a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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