My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
