apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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