You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
