Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
