Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
