i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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