Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
