New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
