not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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