at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
