Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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