Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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