can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
