I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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