Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
