I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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