I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
