the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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