when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
