You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
