so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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