i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
