I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just want nice things and good sex
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
