i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
did i just pee glitter
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
