Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
