how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
