I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
