ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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