I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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