that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
