my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
