I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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