Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
