There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
