The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Those nachos came to me in a dream
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
