omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
