I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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