I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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