you lied. pity sex is amazing.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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