I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
