nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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